Beneath This Sky

Together, we stand in the parking lot. The sky is dark. All day long, a spring rainfall has drummed steadily.

This sky has been our witness. Our testimony. Our evidence of failed attempts, and new beginnings.

Nearly three years ago, we dropped you off here, in this very spot. After your customary one-arm embrace, you turned one way. And we turned the other.

There was a barbecue first – a large grill with burgers. People gathered and made plates of food. We talked, but we didn’t say what we really meant.

No one spoke the words that hovered around our periphery.

What if this program doesn’t work?

What if this is the last stop?

What other options are available for the diagnosed, the quirky, the neurodiverse? For kids with autism after high school?

Now, here we stand. Three years later. It feels like a good time to rejoin our story.

Tonight, your twenty-first birthday. We went out for dinner. You handed your government ID to the server and asked for a beer.

For weeks, I was conflicted about this milestone.

Too often, I forget to be playful around you. Still, after all these years, I tend to focus on goals over fun – progress over humor, over new experiences.

My son.

You are growing up.

You are thriving.

For so long, I hoped for this very day. Now that it’s here, I hardly know what to hope for anymore.

You see, hope is a living thing. It breathes, and moves. It shapeshifts.

I always thought the enemy of hope was doubt.

Now I know. The real enemy is certainty.

In this life alongside autism, nothing is certain.

Hope - and our hearts - are borne from work, from time, from faith, from truth.

Ours is one story, but it is everyone’s story. A story of overcoming and becoming.

Tonight, beneath this sky, I reach for you. I expect our usual rushed embrace. Your one arm around my shoulders, removed as quickly as it lands.

You step toward me, your glasses glinting in the half-light.

With both arms, you draw me close.

Barely reaching your shoulder, I breathe you in.

My son.

How long I have waited for this moment.

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