Divorce, and Everything Before
Did you and Dad ever think about getting a divorce?
I glance over at you on the couch.
In the soft light, I consider what our oldest son asked earlier this afternoon.
How do you answer something like that?
At twenty-one with a longtime girlfriend of his own, I know he is trying to benchmark the permanence of relationships – trying to understand when, and if, cracks become irreparable fissures.
I wanted to be honest.
Still, I didn’t know what to say.
Have I thought about divorce?
Yes. Of course. I assumed everyone, at some point, has thought about parting ways in the weird, complicated, exquisite union called marriage.
After all, eating the same meal, sleeping in the same bed, taking the same vacations is an odd concept. It’s almost counterintuitive.
The truth is, in our lowest moments, I usually got tangled up in the details. Finding an apartment, making custody arrangements, scheduling separate parent-teacher conferences.
His question was lost in the afternoon chaos. Five kids home for Thanksgiving. Putting up the Christmas tree.
The holiday cheer was punctuated with our mutual annoyance. You debated where to get the tree. I already had a place in mind. Once up, you mentioned maybe it was too small.
Tonight, we are alone in on the couch. All five kids are occupied - in the basement with video games, at the movies with friends, or FaceTiming in different parts of the house.
Here we sit, in companionable silence. The day’s pointiness has softened.
The first time I knew I loved you was in my college apartment. We were eating cookies. You took yours, broke it in two, and gave me half.
Why can’t we stay rooted to the best moments?
The first kiss, the moment we fell in love, the sweet taste of chocolate chips.
There are a hundred how-to books about how you should find ways to be romantic midst of all the messiness. This is not what we need. We need permission to feel okay when we can’t.
Romance needs time. It demands space. When you’re raising little kids and signing book reports and eventually, teaching teenagers to drive, time and space are limited commodities.
But hang on if you can. That’s what I want to say.
Hang on through those years, as long as nothing hideous is unraveling between you.
Hang on, because one day the toddlers grow up. They learn to drive. They move away.
Then, space and time unfurl like the petals of a flower.
Let the details keep you in place.
On the other side of the couch, your eyes are closed now, your dark lashes soft shadows. I know your face better than I know my own.
Tomorrow morning our firstborn will stand at the stove and scramble eggs.
I will sit at the counter with my favorite mug. I will sip my coffee. And I will tell him.
I will tell him about the petals and the cookies.
I will tell him that some details keep you in place, while others move you forward.
Marriage is hard.
Family is messy.
You are the sky in front of me.
This is what I will tell him.
Tomorrow.
And tomorrow.
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Do I have to pay to be a subscriber to hear the alcoholism and autism? If so, how much? Thanks so much!! And beautifully written. I think to many times in this day and age, couples give up to easily. If you really listen to those vows you take, it takes you through everything. You are supposed to stay and work it out. I did for over 20 years before my kids told me that if I didn't leave, they were leaving by themselves. My husband was an alcoholic and drank our family away. So yes, I did leave, yes I did divorce him, and yes I loved him till the day the alcohol took him away. See, I to am an alcoholic, my kids never seen me drink and never will. But I do know it is a disease, no matter what people may say. It does so take you over. But I could never forget the man that I married. The man that still to this day, no one can hug me and make me feel as safe as he did. I'm crying now, he was a good man and his kids never forgave him. Makes me sad cause today, they regret. I told them they would, always listen to your mother. She is the only one that will have your back and tell you the truth when you need it!! You go momma!! 💜💜
Being married 45 yrs. of course. I've never said it but he has twice in our 30's. He doesn't take advantage of me like that any more. TMI it was because of sex. That's it.